How to resolve conflicts in marriage.

24 May How to resolve conflicts in marriage.

Conflict resolution 

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Internal misunderstanding in matrimony is an issue that occurs in marriage. Primarily, only known to the nuclear members of the family. In some cases, it’s limited to the couple alone. Children get to know when it lingers, and it turns to something else.
There is no marriage without its own challenge,  all it requires is solution. The kind of solution that one adopts will tell how peaceful the home would be.

That there won’t be an issue that demands joint solution in matrimony, it’s a lie.
Immediately you make up your mind to get married, have it in your mind as well that problems will find its way in. It can come inform of misunderstanding from any angle. Prepare your mind that the best method shall be adopted to resolve it.

Below are the various solutions that one can choose from to address the matter.

1. Self solution.
2. Third-party medium.
a. Parents
b. Mentor
c. Friends
d. Others.
3. Code that works for him.
4. Mediation Centre.
5. Court

1. Self solution.

Self solution is a domestic approach that the couple or either of them can use to clear the misunderstanding. It takes either of the couple or both to identify an issue and come together to find a solution to it. This does not involve a third party.
Sitting together to hear the individual’s opinion on how an issue can be addressed to be able to move the family forward goes a long way.

Using a working code.

There is no human being on earth who does not have a code by which he can be control, either right or wrongly. No matter how difficult a man may be, a sensitive wife will know how to bring him down under control.

What does he love to hear, eat, do, or see you doing? The moment you press the code you must have a result, except you are pressing a wrong code, or you thought you know something when it is not so, you are likely deceiving yourself.

Irresistible codes
a. Respect
b. A certain dressing mood.
c. Apologies.
d. Foolish like.
e. Food and drink.
f. Deliberate careless sitting.
g. His or her music.
h. Ideal time.

a .Respect.
Some men hate interruption while talking, and they don’t want an argument. You may have a superior explanation but allow him to satisfy himself first. Otherwise, you won’t get the matter sorted. Push your opinion with respect, and if it works, never stand to claim the honour if you want him to listen to you next time.
Respect is one of the codes that humbles a man. Give it to him who wants it, if you do, you will get what he holds in his hands.

b. A certain dressing mood.

The code of another man may be the way he wants you to dress, the way and the posture he likes to see you. No matter the gravity of the misunderstanding you have, he will begin to soft pedal. He had started to see the woman-you he wants in you. Just a dressing mood? Yes, of course! That is why some women who complain about their husband’s choices of dressing for them loses their homes.

c. Apologies.
Some men are so difficult to approach, that means they are tough. Despite the toughness, once you take responsibilities and say sorry with all appearance of respect, they do let go. If what your own man wants is apology for peace to reign, go ahead and apologize. It may look as if you are foolish, you are not foolish. 🔸️It takes wisdom for anyone who desires the head of a lion to bow to the keeper of a jungle.🔸️

d. Food and drink.
What is your man’s favourite food? That could be his code. No man who sees what he wants, that will not move. His favourite food may not be cheap to get or in price, it could be a tool to win his heart, and the lingering matter will be over.

e. Deliberate careless sitting.

It is good for every woman to be conscious of herself while sitting anywhere. Any woman who sits down carelessly is a cheap woman, she placed less value on herself.

When it comes to matrimony, deliberately sitting to leave a narrow window into your private places of the body where you have your husband alone is not a sign of being useless or careless. It’s a sign of applying the code that the man bows to, to get his yes. Where his eyes goes and see, there his mind would be.

f. His or her music
There is power in music, as music has different faces, so each of the faces has its own singers and hearers. Apart from a few, majority has one or two songs he likes that gladdens his or her heart. The moment he or she hears it, he begins to sing along, and fill with joy.

What is the favourite music of your spouse, whenever he sings it, do you sing along with him, do you dance to this adopted music of his? It could stand as his working code. As you prepare to discuss how to handle the misunderstanding, start singing one or two songs and ensure his favourite is among.

g. Ideal time.
It is not all the time that is ideal for discussion in matrimony. Every man has his time. If you study your husband that his code is attached to a particular mood or period, you didn’t need a prophet to tell you how and when to use it to sort any issue in the family.

Using an appropriate code as the case and the personalty may require is a great weapon that the devil is always afraid of. This is wisdom, and the enemy does not anyone to possess wisdom.

How do the mad women,  especially, in some underdeveloped countries who got pregnant at the period of the mental challenge got pregnant? It’s not far from the  reality that every human being has a code, a button that can be press to get his or her most expensive out of him or her.

Of course, we all know that mad people are violent, yet the females get pregnant.

Every human being must have a code that can be used for him or her at a delicate hour including a mad woman. It is the code of a mad woman that the man who impregnated her pressed to get the best of her.

All the tools above are also applicable to women. They deserve to be respected, their side of every story must be listened to, her opinion is also important. It may not work, but hear her out first and let her know why it may not work.

Apologize to them when you are wrong as a husband and the father that you are. It is generally known that ego is man’s problem. Don’t be too big to say I am sorry, it would sort everything.

h. Foolish-like.
As a man, there are things you will see that likely not what you expect, but behave as if you did not see. That’s where maturity lies. When she finds out that you know, she will come to you and even tell you the ones you did not know.

Women like to have the kind of food or drink they like to eat as favourites. Fine, a man may not be able to go to the kitchen and prepare something for his wife, but he can get her favourite dish from her choice eatery and surprise the woman by bringing it home for her. What about taking her out for dinner? That is also good! They like treats, there is no doubt about that. The next settlement is a work over. 

Sing the Song.

Sing her favourite song with her or for her, she would feel loved by you.

Watch her mood carefully, talk to her when she can hear you. Consider her emotion, it should not be toy with.

Please keep this in mind, before you start any discussion, make sure you pray first that the almighty God should take control. Ask for the Holy Spirit to lead you and help you to land well in Jesus’ name.

2. Third-party medium.

Misunderstanding between a couple can be sorted through the involvement of a third party. Someone who is entirely different from the inner member will have a different perception to the issue on-ground. He or she will come from a different angle to approach the matter if possible, different from how the couple thinks.
The issue is, how genuine, sincere, and helpful is the third-party approach to the family?

Third-party contents.

a. Parents.

The parents to the parties in a marriage as a couple are third-party. They are not the primary member of the family but secondary. They can be part of the settlement of any issue in their children’s marriage. Whether they are going to make a difference should be a point of concern.

b. A mentor.

A mentor is also one of the agents in the line of marriage who can contribute to the settlement of any misunderstanding or dispute in marriage. That mentor is supposed to be a confidant of either of the couple or both. The role of the mentor, more often, is to talk to whoever notified him of the matter the way to go and what to do to put the matter at rest. 🔸️A couple who is far from its mentor will be closer to mistakes and errors in the matrimony.🔸️You must have a mentor for your marriage. This will enable you to avoid both common and uncommon mistakes that can ruin marriage and the family. Who the mentor is, is another thing to consider.

c. Friends.

Friends can mediate into the matter of a couple. If they see that the way things are going with the couple is not too good, and if it continues like that further it would be bad. They can quickly wail in for the sake of their friend to bring stability into the family in that particular area of their life.

d. Others.

Others are the unknown people who may not be directly related to a couple
but heard about the matter in a family who is a couple and shown interest in providing solutions in their own way to quench the fire of misunderstanding or quarrel in the marriage. They may be a professional like a doctor, financial person, or engineer.

How Christians can address internal matrimonial issues.

The way a Christian will approach each of these points must different. It is not only about now but also the future. For example.

1. Self solution.

Application of self solution requires the collective deliberation and the agreement between the couple to get expected and a happy result.

This includes no contribution from any external body, which is also known as interference. They would both identify the cause of the misunderstanding and agree on the means of solving it. Once they get the cause of the misunderstanding, they are already at the bottom of the matter. All they need to do further is to apply the solution they both identify and agreed on,  for solving the issue.

2. Ideal third party.

Third-party had always been part of how couples settle internal quarrel or misunderstanding. Whether it had been yielding results or not, is what we should concern ourselves with. Notwithstanding, it had always been an issue.

a. Parents
It is not a sin for a couple’s parents to be aware of what is going on in the family of their children, especially when it is a matter of misunderstanding. It will only describe how mature they are.

What kind of parents is the one coming to intervene in your matter. What is his or her position and perception towards marriage generally? If you tell him or her about the issue, is she the kind that would be able to solve the issue amicably or add to it issue.

Third-party is not compulsory in settlement of misunderstanding in matrimony. If you must involve a third party in your family matter, beware of the kind of third party you would bring in. Running to your parents for help is purely an indictment that both of you did not prepare for the marriage.

There is no doubt that you owed nobody any debt concerning your marriage. You prepared very well in putting material things in place for the success of the wedding, but what are the things you put in place for the marriage? When your marriage is short of food, it would be malnourished.

Marriage does not feed on those physical foods and preparations, as it occurs in the case of your wedding. It only feeds on the knowledge you have acquired before the arrival of the marriage. Things that cause misunderstanding in matrimony sometimes are minor, but because people don’t have the idea, and they tend not to know the intention behind it from the spirit, they often become victims.
By the time they magnify such a little issue to become major, they would have helped the enemies of marriage to achieve their purpose.

Some parents are very childlike in conduct, to the extent that their mediation in a matter can lead to a serious setback to the family.

If your parents are well experienced that they can guide you not to fall victim of marital crisis, involve them. They can also support you with prayer if they are Christians.

However, many Christian parents know how to draw boundaries by themselves, to leave the couple to maturity. To practice leaving and cleaving.
Genesis 2:24-25
24. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
25. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

b. Mentor.

A mentor, as it was said above, is someone who can help to gain a better direction in a matter without being consumed. As far as marriage is concerned, someone who will mentor you must be someone who is a professional in the area. Someone who is spirit filled, who can interpret the mind of God on a matter, someone who can apply heavenly manual.

As a Christian, your marriage mentor cannot be someone outside God, outside Jesus. It must be someone who communes on God’s table regularly. No one can use the wisdom of the word to sort the things of the spirit.
A professional who wants to mentor you cannot mentor you outside his knowledge and understanding.
1 Corinthians 2:11

For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.
1 Corinthians 2:12 -14
12 What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us.
13 This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words.
14 The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit.

Romans 8:5
Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.

When Jesus asked the accusers of the woman caught in adultery to cast the stone against the woman if they had never done such, and they all left one by one.
If it were to be in the flesh or by law, what would have happened to the woman?

John 8:7-9
7 So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.
8 And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground.
9 And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.

It is only a marriage mentor who mentors with weapons of the spirit that can mentor you. Even when it is bitter, you know it would lead to joy and honey as soon as you endure to follow counsel.