01 Mar 14 Steps to a bad Marriage; Avoid it now.
The steps
Thank you for reading this post, don't forget to subscribe!
1. Greed versus due diligence.
Greed is a drive that makes anyone to be careless about every other thing but his target, not minding the consequences of the desire after achievement. For anyone who is greedy, it can be used as a bait to lure him or her into an everlasting problem.
It’s not all that glitter that is gold, of course. That a man is good-looking with cash at hand and in the bank does not make him the right man for you to say ‘yes’ to without due diligence.
What you know about him goes a long way to make the marriage habitable for you.
Many ladies who find themselves in a bad marriage today do so because what they care most about is money, believing that money is everything. It’s through that the Bible says, “money answers everything.” it did not say money is everything or money replaced everything.
Yet, there are still some ladies who dated a man who refused to take material things from the man. They refused to be bought with money, they rather focused attention on whether the relationship is right one that can translate to marriage or not. These are the ladies who have dealt thoroughly with the spirit of greed. They chose due diligence to doing it anyhow.
Signs of greed.
a. If you meet a man and the man carried you in his car the same day all over places, you are greedy.
b. If your priority is what you can immediately gain from a man who shows interest in marrying you as against having a stable home, you are greedy.
c. If meeting a man for the first time, what you are in a hurry to get is the details of his life, including what he worths. Not minding
Whether the information is genuine or not, and how he acquired them; you are greedy.
d. Gambling or playing smart between two men or ladies is a sign of greed, and it can eventually lead to a bad marriage.
e. Self-centeredness. If you are the type that every good thing and every good-looking man or ladies must be yours, the latest must come to you, you are greedy. Entry into a bad marriage is not far from you.
2. Lack of a mentor.
The importance of mentorship in marriage can never be overemphasized. Age does not determine how successful one would be in marriage. It is the knowledge acquired, both personal and other people’s experiences, that will help to sail through a time of trial.
Proverbs 12:15
The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.
Proverbs 20:5
Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; but a man of understanding will draw it out.
There are many advantages with having a mentor as far as marriage is concerned. Someone who had travelled the road and still moving has what it takes to counsel you.
There is no one in life that does not have one ugly situation or the other that ever came up as a challenge in his or her marriage to learn from or teach others.
A mentor is someone who sees what you saw before you, and the one he never saw or experienced, he knows how to guard you not to miss your way.
There are things that are good to behold, but maritally they offer nothing but death, destruction, constant misunderstanding, and failure.
No wonder the Bible says in
1 Corinthians 10:23
All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not.
There are things marriage is allergic to, but individuals want to force it into the throat of the relationship or marriage because of their perception towards it.
Before it turns to an exploration that will claim the life of the marriage and those involved in it, if possible; the mentor would have done something to arrest the situation.
A mentor sees the danger in a kelge of a gum powder, but the mentee sees the beauty of the body wrap. In this situation, content and packaging play different roles by leading in different directions.
The problem many are facing in their relationships and marriage today is from lack of mentorship.
Whatever your status is, your marriage needs a mentor who can talk to you, and you will listen to, even when it looks bitter.
3. Neglecting the counsel of a mentor.
Never stay under any mentor arrogantly, it is a dangerous thing for one to queue behind a mentor, and his counsel makes no meaning to him or her. If you continue to ignore the advice of your mentor, it would get to a time, he would no longer have a word for you from above. Anytime you get to him for counsel, heaven will just shut because heaven is not in the business of wasting resources. After all, you only collect and dump. Don’t ever think that mentorship is about telling you what you want to hear. You must go to your mentor with an empty mind for anything that drops there to find its ground for fruitfulness.
No one with a reasonable mind would want his child to be less in life. Likewise, your mentor, he would want to give you the advice that will make you succeed. Just because some are lately wealthier, popular and eloquent than their mentor, they feel his advice can no longer potent enough to be true or work for them. They are now bigger than their mentors. That is pride, ignorance, and foolishness.
Don’t ever join those who do so to look down on your mentor. His counsel is part of what took you to where you are now. Many great men in the world, their mentors are not as popular as they are, but that is where they tap their power from and cherish them.
You may be bigger or wealthier than your mentor, but never be too big to be bigger than his advice, especially in a sensitive matter.
You are even lucky if your mentor is a prayerful person.
The counsel of your mentor as to the step you should take concerning your relationship and marriage is very important for your future and the future of your marriage. There are areas where he failed in marriage, he has the experience to lead in the right to a good marriage, but if you are too wise to directed, nothing more, what you are heading to is a bad marriage.
4. Having not read any book about marriage.
It is appalling how people prepare so much for a wedding but left the real marriage unprepared for. If a baby is exposed to cold weather, pneumonia is not far from that child. Any marriage that is left not catered for can never be productive.
As a single man or woman who desires a good relationship or marriage in life must prepare for the marriage. One of the ways of preparing yourself for the marriage is reading books on relationships and marriage. It equips you to face the uncertainties in marriage and win.
A soldier never woke up one morning to just become one. He must first go through the rigorous army training and come out as a qualified soldier before he can work as a soldier of the nation.
To become a successful husband or a wife, you must work for it. It does not just happen like that. Having identified marriage as one of the institutions that devil focus so much attention on with a high interest to pull family down, it worths to be taken seriously.
When you read different books before getting to the altar of “I do” you will know what to do per time before your wedding and after the wedding. Matters like a mountain will look plain to you because you have surmounted it far back, having equipped yourself for the journey.
Gallivanting for frivolities while preparing for the wedding rather than preparing for the marriage profits nothing. It is an act of working one’s self into a wrong marriage. Sometimes, marriage may tend to be good, but the root the parties follow into the marriage makes the marriage become a bad one.
Marital journey in total covers your activities from dating until grand children to just make it precised, and every stage has its challenge that requires being prepared for. Those stages are identified below.
Books for stages.
a. Premarital books
These are the books that the singles are supposed to read to equip themselves ahead of their marriage.
These types of books are full of the experience of the successful and those who failed in their marriages for the upcoming to know where to take caution and where to take satisfaction.
If you take the pains to read enough premarital books, your eyes will open, and you ‘ill beginning to see some things the way they are, different from your perception and feelings.
There are things that do happen during the wedding that are negative and could have been taken care of ahead of the occurrence. Only because people usually put the right thing behind and start chasing shadow, they become victims.
A case study among many.
A sister finds a man as a life partner, they mutually agree to marry, little did she know the man. The man restricted her to only those he wanted her to know and the things he wanted her to know about him.
This is a man who left his wife and two children in another state not too far from where he relocated to, asked for the hand of another woman in marriage. He was so perfect and smart in his conduct that he covered the mouths of those around him who knew much about him.
It was never a lucky day to the man. The marriage that would have altered the life and destiny of the women was intercepted by the recognized legal wife, who came to the venue of the event with the two children. She made so much noise “he’s my husband, he’s my husband; here are our two children” funny enough, one of the children looks so much like the man.
It was a lucky day for the woman. A day that was supposed to be her happy day turned out to be a day of disgrace in her life. It is a lucky day in the sense that a turning point is better than entering into life trouble.
b. Post-wedding books by stages.
i. Home and family management.
Buying a car and building a house does not demand time and wisdom like maintenance. There are people who gather money from opportunities and buy a car and build a house but find it difficult to maintain it.
It’s either they lack money, culture to do so or do not place importance in doing so. They may lack the understanding of the importance of maintaining one’s belongings.
Maintaining your marriage is what we call MARRIAGE, and it demands more wisdom. Marriage is a house that its foundation must be laid strong to accommodate many floors as the case may demand in the future.
Marriage is a structure that the builders can eventually finish building but can never finish maintaining. All necessary tools must always be available to do what is necessary whenever a need arises in maintaining the marriage.
How you manage your home will tell how wise you are as a husband or a wife.
You must search for the books that can assist you to gather the wisdom you need to manage and maintain your marriage very well.
ii. About Pregnancy.
Pregnancy is a phenomenon on its own. It’s not a business for the ignorant. It isn’t meant to be left in the hand of an ignorant person. Therefore, you, as a wise man or woman you need to equip yourself with the adequate knowledge and understanding that will make you sail through the time with ease.
Whatever you read or come across that can help the pregnancy and ensure save delivery must be shared between the two of you and discuss it with all seriousness.
Pregnancies carry different challenges. Anyone who does not have the idea of how it happens may misbehave and start calling the woman names. It has happened to many people, where they believe the woman is giving them undue stress, therefore abandoning her to face it alone.
Pre-knowledge of any challenge strengthens the heart of anyone in the situation to face the challenge and win.
Reading books about pregnancy ahead of taking-in or delivery builds the confidence of the man concerning any change in body system which can manifesting inform of sickness, to see it as a normal thing that will fizzle out with time. And if there is any step to take further, it would not be done with panic.
iii. Foods and the kinds to eat.
Good health makes good people enjoy good marriage. No matter how good a marriage is, if any of the parties have health issues, they may find it difficult to get the best of the marriage. The better advantage here is that the marriage is good. In the case of sickness, it can help to recover fast, but prevention is better than cure. It is better not to be sick at all.
Knowing the kind of food to eat per time and when to eat it helps families to stay healthy.
Both the man and the woman have the obligation to read nutritional books for adequate knowledge of staying healthy. As it determines the health and strength of a marriage in a part before getting into the marriage.
Those who were not opportune to do so ahead of their marriage, now is the better time to start. Fruit is very crucial to our health. Everyone should take the eating of fruit very seriously.
iv Raising children.
Books on how to raise good children are very important for every intending parent and the existing ones to read. The purpose here is to collectively build a healthy society.
The world we are in now is begging for adjustment. Things are beginning to go contrary because many children are not properly raised. We need to go away from the lifestyle where baby parents are raising babies.
It is not how old you are but what you carry as knowledge that can help you to build a strong family.
Child behavioural books are also essential, e.g, toddler, puberty, teen, and adult.
As parents, you must know the challenges the ages usually come with and how to address them. There are attitudes that are peculiar to some ages that look disgusting, but it’s normal. All you just need to do is use an appropriate tool out of those you have acquired through reading and search.
5. Not involving necessary people.
From day one that you decided to go into marriage, have it at the back of your mind that there are important people who are supposed to be involved. No shortcut to that. It is a must if you want to succeed in marriage.
This will enable success at every angle of the process.
It is not a sin if you to decide not to involve them. It is not compulsory but necessary, even when we said must above.
If those who are victims of marital circumstances today have the opportunity to reverse the hand of time, they would have done so to enable them to involve key people in their matter. It’s just not possible.
Involving these key people helps to avoid some issues that have devoured so many couples in their marriages.
The key people are:
a. Yourselves
b. Your parents
c. Your pastors
d. A marriage mentor who mentors from the Bible.
e. Your sincere friends.
f. A prayer partner or partners.
g. Premarital trainer.
If this is ignored, it is possible you are heading to a bad marriage, and a bad marriage can consume your entire life that you will totally be confused. The worst is, if the compass that can show you the way out of the problem is lost, you may have to remain in the situation for long.
Some find themselves in a marriage they never enjoyed. All they keep doing is paying child support. Once the court pronounces it, it becomes a compulsory responsibility. This is what some use their entire active life work for. A one-time mistake that covers almost the entire life of a man.
Is it not better to lay a better foundation, by acquiring the necessary wisdom and knowledge that can help you to establish a good marriage? It may look a bit demanding, but it worths it. The end is peace, joy, and happiness.
If you choose to follow the method, it is going to benefit 5 categories of people.
They are:
i. The couple
ii. The children
iii. The community
iv. The church
v. Finally, the government
Involving these people is to lay a solid foundation ahead of the marriage.
The couple will be at peace and raise good children.
The children will be useful for themselves, starting on the good foundation the parents have laid.
The community will be peaceful and enjoy the positive contribution of both the couple and their children, as against the violence that erupts in some communities because of some kinds of troublesome families within.
Pastors will do the work that God committed to their hands with peace. Families in the church will help to take the agenda of God and the church to the next level as expected. That’s when the foundation is solid.
The government will have fewer issues at hand to deal with because the citizens will be law-abiding.
6. Zero or next to zero Premarital training.
There is no amount of knowledge you have about someone you are planning to marry that you will not need to undergo premarital training before your wedding, for the purpose of your marriage. If you want a peaceful marriage, you must insist on premarital training. No matter your level of education, there are things you don’t know about yourselves and marriage, they require to be addressed and handled ahead of your union.
It’s only your coach who can discover some of them as time unfolds. Some issues are so hidden that those who are in love will be too busy to discover or see them, even at a close range.
There are issues that are extended in nature, it is only your counselor who can pick it and advise you on how to handle it.
Premarital training opens people’s eyes to many corners in marriage which they wouldn’t have thought of.
Ignoring premarital training amounts to embracing a bad marriage.
The time it would take to attend premarital training is far less, compared to the time it would take to face the consequences of underrating the training when things go wrong.
7. Overconfidence.
Overconfidence that “when we get to the bridge, we shall cross it” is a road to a wrong marriage.
Never join them to use such an analogy to avoid a responsibility that determines a future.
If there is any bridge anywhere waiting for you, it can only be a flexible and unreliable one that can disappoint you at any time.
If you enter into any marriage of your choice in your own way without following procedures, when the consequences come, it’s then you will see the marriage as a bad one.
8. Elaborate wedding.
An elaborate wedding is when your marriage or wedding ceremony shakes your hand beyond the wrist to the ankle. When you have to spend a larger part of your earnings for your wedding ceremony, and you have little or nothing to finance the real marriage, something is wrong. You need to quickly do something about it because you have entered either into a wrong marriage or into a right marriage through a wrong route.
Bad marriage consumes like fire.
This elaborate wedding has put so many into the problems bigger than them. There are many couples who find it difficult to get a balance for several years of their marriage. Peace turned its back at them because the atmosphere of the marriage is not conducive for peace to dwell.
9. Deceit and untruthfulness.
If your relationship is being dominated by deceit and untruthfulness, you don’t need anyone to tell you that the marriage is thereafter going to be a bad one.
There is no marriage that can thrive on the foundation of deceit and untruthfulness. Marriage is highly allergic to these negative close friends. Anyone who is deceptive in nature can never be truthful. He or she can introduce a business to the partner and convince him or her to invest in it, but with the motive of siphoning money from him or her.
Even the proceeds of the one that eventually found its way into the business will still be surrounded by untruthfulness from the deceiver.
10. Joblessness.
If you are jobless, marriage should not be the next in your agenda. No matter how comfortable, self-sufficient, or rich, the person you want to marry is, especially if you are a man, you must have something doing for yourself. It may not be enough, but it’s more honorable that you can contribute something. Your experience from the job you do can turn your life around if you are serious.
Entrying into a marriage jobless makes you a liability. It may be sweet at the beginning of the journey, it will get to a point where your partner will begin to complain or treat you as a second citizen or a cohabitant.
You may want to make a mistake to believing that the marriage was beautiful from the beginning. It wasn’t. It had been a bad relationship, which metamorphosed to a marriage of self-deceit.
Once you choose to enter into a marriage jobless, even smiling to show that you are in love, it is nothing but a bad marriage, a marriage of liability that lacks balance.
11. Culture.
Culture plays a big role in every marriage, either positive or negative, and it’s meant to be considered while aiming at getting married.
If you think culture is a small thing among all, when it starts to bite you, I am sure you would not need anyone to tell you what you have entered into a bad marriage.
An animal that refuses to look down to take cognizance of little ants will have herself to blame when soldier ants teach her a lesson she will never forget in a hurry.
People don’t joke about their culture. Some are not ready to trade it for anything; not even marriage. Before you fall into any marriage, make sure you give culture a big thought. If the culture of the man or the woman does not go well with you, don’t enter into a marriage with him or her. The statement that says, “when we get to the bridge, we will cross it,” is a step to bring up a bad marriage.
For instance, if in a culture where a man you want to marry comes from, they don’t stand while greeting elders. You must bend properly or put your two knees on the floor if you are a woman. If you do this, you have found your way into the heart of so many of them in the family and community. They will love with extraordinary love.
Many white or foreign ladies who married to the men of other countries in Africa, especially to Nigerians of Africa, go home with the men.
They eat their foods and even greet in the culture signs. People loved them, they didn’t want them to go back, but for the sake of resuming back to work, the family had to release them with a kiss of love.
Some even went as far as learning the language of the man they love.
If you are so engulfed with love not to ask what the culture of the one you want to marry says, you may find yourself to blame. You are already constituting a bad marriage.
If a culture is not in line with what you believe, it is better to let go of the relationship or sit back and talk it out before proceeding in the journey.
12. Character.
If your character is bad or that of the one you want to marry is nothing to write home about, you can’t constitute any relationship that is far from a bad marriage.
Character is the way we behave, our attitudes towards people and our environment. Attitude determines the strength of a marriage, if it would be a bad or a good one.
If you allow yourself to be joined with a man or a woman of despicable character, you will automatically become like him or her soon. If you would not allow him or her to corrupt you, there will be a reaction. Which will be a regular quarrel that may one day lead to a fight.
For you to know it’s a bad marriage, there can never be peace. It would be the matter of one day, one-trouble.
13. Prophecy offline the Bible.
Any union that is based on a prophecy that does not have its root from the bible cannot produce anything less than a bad marriage.
For example, if you are being told to marry an unbeliever as a wife or a husband, when you are a confirmed born-again child of God, something is there not right with that prophecy. How can a light and darkness form a union? If you love yourself, and you want to have peace, you need to reconsider the prophecy and go to God to hear for yourself what God is saying.
There are occasions that some men of God in the human’s spirit match make couples. And when the problem erupts, they put away their faces as if they were not the originator of the union.
Since God is not the one who coupled the union, he would want the doers to handle the error, but if you are wise enough to ask for mercy, he would take up your case. Have this in your mind; you have to be patient with him while he’s working on your matter. It may take a while, wait.
You can now see that it’s better not to be a victim of an avoidable injury than to embark on a correction surgery?
Beware of the prophecies that can mislead into a marriage of pains.
14. Lack of maturity.
Relationship is for everybody, but marriage is for the mature (man or woman). It is not about age, but what he or she has to offer.We have seen where 30 years old man thrives in marriage, while another man of 40 years failed.
If the person you are pleased to marry is a boy or a girl in maturity, what you are heading to is a bad marriage. The day he or she will prove his or her lack of maturity and disgrace you, you will be shocked.
Some of them display stupid anger. A little misunderstanding they will start breaking properties, locking the partner out of the house, and even taking back benevolence.
If someone does this while you are in a relationship with him or her, what will he or she do when the relationship turns to marriage?
These are foundations to domestic violence.
If you see this in your relationship and still want to proceed to marry him or her, what you are stepping into is a bad marriage.
Some will say, “God will change him or her.” My advice to you is that you should wait for God to change him or her first before putting hands in the fire you want to call marriage.
Conclusion.
No bad marriage can produce anything good. No matter how intelligent one may be, his intelligence cannot fix his marriage once the foundation is faulty.
Why is it that those who have displayed topnotch wisdom to build businesses that have survived many challenges; that even came out successfully and stronger failed badly in their marriages?
Who can answer this question.
Psalms 11:3
If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do?
Marriage is a different institution entirely, and the one in charge is GOD. He authors marriage. The manual that contains the details of how marriage should be is with God. Anyone who asks him for the manual do receive.
If you don’t get it right from the foundation, you may no longer get it right as days go by, and it can end up putting the rest of sweat in life to confusion.
As far as marriage is concerned, please leave no stone unturned. Though there are some stones that may be heavier than your power can turn, engage the service of a professional who can assist by using the word of God to turn the difficult ones.
No Comments